It's been awhile

So a lot has happened since I last posted. I have to get back into posting as it is a way to get my thoughts out of rumbling around my head. First on the ex front. We hadn't talked basically all year. There was the meltdown on New Year's that apparently was all my fault for caring. Then I got drunk one Friday night after basically being molested by a female comic with a bf and tried calling her and swinging by her house. The calls were not returned and she had moved. I texted her the next day wondering why I still cared, but that was the middle of December. Fast forward to going home in June, where my life took a huge downward spiral. I was drinking day and night. A. Because I couldn't sleep. B. Because I had been working like crazy going into that trip. C. I was depressed. D. I'm an alcoholic. Anyways we were at dinner with my family and I tried calling her twice, both we're not answered, nor did I leave a message. Fast forward to being back in San Diego, and Jesse felt the need to tell me she had recently gone through a break up. Saturday a few weeks back I unblocked her, and liked a few of her status' just to see if she would respond. After hours she texted, "why are you liking my stuff," angry as always. Well previous to that convo, my locker at the gym had been broken into and someone stole my car key out of my pants pocket as well as a joke I had written on a paper. So I had to have AAA break into my car to get my house key, drive to my apt to get my spare, drive back only to find out the spare was no longer programmed to work my car. So then I had to miss work at the Store, call my co worker to cover my Sunday radio shift, call AAA to rebreak into my car to see if the key even started the car, then drove the car to the dealership and left it there until they could program the key on Monday. So basically I drank Saturday night-Monday morning. I had being working harder than I had in the past on curtailing my drinking before that point. Anyways the theft cost me about $500 with missing work and if I replace the key that's another $300. Anyways I somehow ended up speaking with the ex on Monday because she offered to let me take our cat. Mostly because the cat was attacking her dog and being an all around dick to her other animals. She made it seem like she wanted to help me. She may be the most delusional person I've ever come in contact with. She really has no idea how incredibly selfish she is. She only cares about herself. She ended up going off on me again, for no reason at all. She once again brought me to tears to which I had to just hang up the phone. I tried so hard to be cordial to her but she is just such an awful person. And the sad part is she feels the same about me. She said I was the worst boyfriend and would have rather I cheated on her non stop. By talking with Jesse we somewhat established she gets a rise out of being mean to me. She knows how I feel about myself and won't give it back to her. I came out of that convo a stronger man. I dealt with her for over a year. After all the judgements. I am not a great man by any means, but I don't purposely try to hurt people. Wednesday I had my podcast to which I discussed my convo with her. The podcast got very real, and at some points dark. The guest also deals with depression and alcoholism. I opened up about my suicidal thoughts and fears of never being happy. It was nice to get those things off my chest and into the public. Well Friday I get another text rant from her saying I should leave her alone and that I'm the worst person ever. She denied many of the things she said. I almost feel bad for her, as she so gone. She had a tough, loveless childhood, and I think it has really messed her up. I did try to be there for her, but she just doesn't get it. I think at this point it is time to move on and cut my losses. I have enough of my own personal issues I don't need a negative person, with an agenda to bring me down even further. I'm actually enjoying the new girl, I just fear I'm still too broken to be loved or love at this point in my life. She has given me space and been there for me. We've had a few spats that have been blown out of proportion which is likely my fault. I have no real complaints about her, we just had a rocky start. I don't know what's going to come of it, but I can't let another person crush my soul anymore. Drinking.... Oh nasty nasty booze. I'm trying to come out of one of the worst benders of my life. And it's going to be hard as I'm going to have days off Monday- Wednesday now going forward, as well as off until 4 when getting off at 6 AM on Thursday. My brain is going to be fighting with itself. I did take 3 days off from drinking this past week which is likely the most since the 3 days I took off when I dated Julie (who's since married another man). But yeah, likely the most days off since Beth visited in 2007 (the last time I've seen her). She was pregnant, her son is now 5 I believe. Kinda crazy. I slept decent last night and although I dreamt a good deal, it wasn't the killer scenario that I'm used to. I'm going to focus on taking 3 days off, and hope to work my way to 4 days soon. The goal of course is to be totally sober but I think I could mentally be happy drinking just 2 nights a week. My problem is I still can't drink for enjoyment. And that is a major reason why I have been determined to cut back. When I'm buzzed I'm just more alone and depressed. So I just want to shut my brain off. Who knows how much damage I've done to my brain and liver. Comedy, the reason for the blog right. Nothing major has really happened. I did a weekend at ACC. All shows were blah. The first show there were two guys in the front with their arms crossed, not laughing at anything. The first show Friday made me want to quit comedy. The late show Friday I did a different set, to which the manager went crazy in the back saying I should only be doing my best jokes. 2 minutes later he was laughing. At the end of the night he spoke to me about thinking I was so funny and didn't realize how many jokes I had, and that he wanted to see me go further in comedy. Well, 3 months later I haven't been invited back. I recorded a cd. It was literally 90 plus degrees in there and likely hotter on stage. The crowd started filing out and I knew after my first joke it was going to be a long 50 minutes. After awhile I just kinda was in the moment and tried to have fun. After going back and listening I was able to clean it up to make it sound decent. I haven't decided what I want to do with it, but I did put it online to gauge some interest. The feedback has been positive but who knows if they're just being nice. As far as the Store, it's annoying as always. People get hot headed over nothing and get nuts over an $8 an hour job. Last night we threw out a table because they responded to what a comedian asked. It was totally wrong on our part and those people won't be back. Joke writing has been slow and stagnant. I'm hoping that cutting back on drinking will inspire me to write more but who knows. I have to try to stay positive and do as well as I can when I'm up there. I have a few shows this week that could help get me out of the funk or slip me deeper into depression. We'll see. I hope to get back to the blog going forward and possibly start working on a book.

Another month, more rutt like living

Wow been so busy lately. No real excuse for not updating the blog, but it's just been a blur as of late. Main concern is my liver. Feels sensitive to the touch almost like it's bruised. I gotta just set up a meeting with a doctor and hear the words, "You gotta stop drinking, before you die idiot." I don't know why I keep putting it off. I know I'm in danger, and the fact I can't take at least one day off is basically gross. I didn't day drink, well other than at 6 AM after work, but that's kind of standard. Kinda dating a girl, who drinks likely as much, or more than me. All we do is drink and bang. It's nice and all, but I know it's unhealthy for me. My whole right side feels like I've been punched. Doesn't hurt unless I touch it, but I know this can't be good. I keep putting off a doctor's appointment and a meeting with a financial adviser. My computer crashed completely this week. Which is lame, considering I've had it two months. I have no time to bring it in until Tuesday. My work schedule has been crazy lately. Worked nearly 60 hours last week, and another 50 this week. Been raking in money lately, normally saving around $800 a month. That's cool, but wtf am I doing with the money and my life. I'm going to die, and not do anything with the money. I'm approaching $100k, which is about a year after I thought I reach that level, but quitting poker and the huge downswings I faced December 2011, really killed my chances to make poker a full time thing. I would like to start playing tournaments again, but as far as grinding cash games again I can't see myself doing that. I think I'm getting close to rock bottom. I feel like I'm just going down in flames. I need to get this alcoholism under wraps as soon as possible. I keep pushing everything off, it's so lame. I have drank kinda a little bit less the last few nights, aka not blacked out, and had some freaky dreams. Last night I'm pretty sure I was back in high school, and back with all those friends. It was trippy. It's just so tough as every, single night I'm offered free drinks at work. I just have to stop buying the damn weekly bottle of vodka. That's the main problem, I can't just drink one or two, I need to shut my brain off. It's depression really. Supressed it with booze for nearly 7 years now, and my body is paying the price. Thursday was drunken and high. Ended up sleeping in my car, well waking up in it anyways. I didn't drive. But the fact I'm blacking out in public is a huge problem. I need to cut out smoking. I have too many vices and don't need anymore. As far as comedy I have no real complaints. Mu joke writing has suffered as of late but my stage presence is the best it's been in awhile. I know I can go back to the character, to get the bigger laughs. I don't know what I'm doing to be honest. I didn't advance out of the second round of the last contest. All I did was rip on all the other comics on the show. I got a good response but maybe the crowd didn't take me seriously. I see other comics recording cd's and what not, and I'm not even sure I could do 45 minutes. Crazy to think I did 30 minutes 6 months in. I don't use basically any of those jokes but the point is I was working much harder on my jokes back then. Who knows what my focus is now. Sad thing is I don't know. It's almost like I don't care. I'm just going day to day, not thinking of the what the backlash is going to be.

Been ignoring the blog

Can't believe it's been over a month since I blogged. Not much has really happened as far as comedy goes. Did 30 minutes last night at a jiu jitsu studio in Vista. I brought up a set list, mostly because I wanted to do a different set than I did a few weeks ago at the Madhouse where I did 25 minutes. There was a girl that went to that show and she came to this one as well. I more wanted to challenge myself. Not all of it was great, but I'd say out of the 55 minutes, I know I have a really solid 30 minutes. The new girl is fun, but she drinks nearly as much as me so I know for the best would be to not get too serious with her. Who knows I'm having fun for now. New Year's Day was horrible and as my friend described it, my relationship bottom with the ex. She called me a left a vm where she was crying at the end. I was with the new girl so didn't immediately call her back. Once I did she basically told me she didn't know where she was. I got wasted and ended up going to her house. She of course wasn't there, so I attempted to find a way in. Stupid drunk. I went in the backdoor, and slept in there. The next morning, I left rose medals on the bed. Why? Who knows, I'm an idiot sometimes. Anyways, I spoke to her in the morning and she still didn't know where she was. I told her I was at her house to which she hung up and ignored me for the rest of the day. I called her on the work phone and she picked up. I was extremely pissed, and knew at that point I wanted nothing to do with her. I had been doing well, but for some reason on Friday I got wasted and walked over to her home. Luckily she has moved. I don't want to know where she moved or hope I never contact her again. I am worried about my drinking and whether I ever fall in love again. I wish I could be happy, but I don't see a future, who knows. Guess there was a fight at the Store last night. Makes sense. Things have been tense around there recently. Not sure why, but one of the manager has been a bigger dick lately. Don't know what really happened by, guess it was about 25 people involved. I'm glad I wasn't there as there would be no way I'd fight anyone. Heard they cancelled the show after that. I have been writing and getting some new ideas this week so that's uplifting. I'm gonna keep plugging away and trying to get happier. Parents are coming to visit in March and I'm going to plan to put my best foot forward for that week.