Having fun on stage

Been enjoying my time on stage lately. Basically been messing around, trying new jokes. Some of them work, others not so much. My style has been changing, and the jokes I write I enjoy, but crowds don't seem to enjoy them as much. I'm not sure if that's really what's going on or that's just my perception. Talked to one of my comedy friends who's moved to L.A. He told me he recently got a college agent. Good for him, he's a funny dude, so I'm happy for him. Been in a really weird mood lately. The ex has been randomly texting with me. I imagine she's just fucking with me, as she has no interest in getting back together. This breakup has been so hard on me. It's really taken a toll on me. With her I at least had something to look forward to. Now it's just misery. This comedy thing likely will never pan out. But I don't know what else I could possibly do with my life. It's really scary. Maybe I should just move home and give up the dream. Who knows.

Why oh why would you tell me that?

So I made it the last 3 days without day drinking. I mean I worked 2 of them and had a mid afternoon meeting the other one, but a win is a win. Gotta take small gains. I have been drinking less at night as well. Such a struggle, I hate it. As for the title one of my roommates friends felt the need to bring up my ex today. Why do people do that? Nobody wants to talk about their ex. Not only did he ask me that, he told me he saw that she was in a relationship with a black guy. Ummmmm thanks, for ruining my day and evening and week. I of course send her a text, to which she denies it. I have to believe it I suppose. I think she still has love and care for me, but simply hates me. She pictures me as a monster. That is a tough feeling. I'm an alcoholic but I am in no way a bad person. I know that for sure. Shitty person, never be a husband, sure, but I am a good person.I'm still on the fence on whether or not she is in a relationship, and even when I heard it, although hurt, I was ok with it I guess. It's the replaced again feeling. I suppose I will never get over what happened with my ex. I am in capable of feeling loved and good enough. It's a deep pain that may never go away. I need someone that will accept me as I am, but first I need to accept myself. How can someone love me when I hate myself. Oh well. I leave my phone in my car at night. Just protects me from texting her. She deserves a better life without me. Poker's been fun. Sunday I went up with Jesse at the Store. First time we've tried it there. We got 16 minutes which is fun. It wasn't polished or great but I think the crowd opened up and enjoyed us. Monday was the open mic. 45 people in the crowd. Better than most of our Best of show's and the best open mic I can recall in awhile. One guy brought a bunch of people and a girl was shooting a documentary and she brought a good amount of people too. I did an actual set for the most part, on top of messing around a little bit. I liked it. The girl shooting the vid complimented me a few times. She's way too cute to do comedy. Esp. cause she talks about not being able to get men, ya ok lady.

Slight mental lapse

Thursday was the Store. I went up 2nd. It was a weird crowd. There was a black guy that was the show promoter. He sat in the back. There was a group of about 8 black guys that I tried to sit in the middle of the crowd. They sat down for a bit, then went to the back to sit with their comic friend. It made it for a divided crowd. They weren't laughing much at set up punch line jokes. I adjusted rather quickly and had a pretty solid set. One comic went after me and just destroyed this one woman who was just drunk and trying to be a part of the show. She wasn't really that bad and he tore into her. The comics were dying laughing and they let him go for as long as he wanted. I felt it really ruined the show for comics after him. Everyone in charge there has no sense of comedy. Friday was Winston's. It was raining which always effects the amount of people that attend the show. One of the headliners told me earlier in the week that she wouldn't be there. The other headliner pretty much shit on the show for 12 minutes. I still paid him $50, oh well. I went up with Jesse for my set. We did about 12 minutes. It was fun, just sucked one of the mics kept cutting in and out. After the show we went to the Harp and I smoked a little bit. I remember not being too drunk and having a very good time. I ended up getting too drunk as I often do. I went over to Hugo's but when he went to bed I stumbled back over to the ex's. Stupid stupid decision. I called her a few times, then stumbled to my car to sleep in there. I forgot my glasses at Hugo's so when I woke up in the morning I walked back to his house to sleep a bit. I'm still day drinking, it's pathetic. Luckily I have some things to keep me busy this week, work tomorrow, meeting Tuesday, etc. Saturdays Store shows were night and day. The first crowd was amazing, everyone did great. The 2nd show was the drunkest group of people I've seen in a long time. Most of them should not have been let in. I kept telling people to be quiet but they kept on talking. I was prepared to get a verbal lashing at the end of the night, but luckily that didn't happen. That was the worst I've seen it be. The headliner told us to let them chat, but if it was too much he'd tell us to throw them out. We threw out about 4 groups of people. A couple just left and sat in the lobby after complaining about people talking. I was pretty defenseless as I told the manager we need to throw people out and he didn't follow up.