Few more weeks, not many shows

Still not many shows, performing, or writing. Last Wednesday I did the Store. Once again it was really slow, but I felt I did really well with what I had to work with. I did some self deprecating things that worked. I was working, and felt after the show I'd get a few people say they enjoyed my set, but no such luck. Friday was Winston's. I didn't feel great about my set. The entire crowd knew each other and weren't really a fan of me. I couldn't really gain any traction. Oh well. This past week I have been working nights, as I will next week. I was supposed to do the Store on Thursday but called out. I just didn't feel like going in, and just wanted to hang at my apartment with a lady. Friday was Winston's. It was our reunion show from the mini tour we did last summer. I put my self up first out of the 4 as I knew I wouldn't have anyone there for me. My set was weird. They weren't a typical Winston's crowd. I may have been too dirty, but I just couldn't connect with them. It was pretty annoying. Saturday I did a charity show at 5 PM that I was asked to headline. I still am thrilled to be asked to do longer sets. The crowd was somewhat small and spread out. It's always weird performing when it is still light out. There was a drunk lady that had been somewhat of an issue throughout the show. She was basically yelling with her back turned when I started. Luckily she left. The manager for whatever reason sat a group of six that were there for the 730 show but wanted to eat dinner beforehand. They were talking and going over the menu. I can't really be mad at them as they weren't expecting the show, but the manager should never have sat them in there. Also, there was a man in the middle of the crowd asleep. ASLEEP!! At 6 PM. Comedy's great. Anyways I did a lot of riffing, and a few jokes. I did around 25 minutes. I was very happy with it. It's always nice to do a good amount of time, in an environment where all signs point to failure, and I can turn it into something pretty good. I wish I would have recorded it.

Couple weeks in the books

Last week I did the Store on Tuesday and Thursday. Tuesday was a bringer show, so they are the by far the easiest, best crowds to perform for. They were actually ahead of time, as there wasn't as many comics and they were doing shorter sets. I was able to do a 5 minute pop in spot. I mean this crowd was almost too easy. Every joke got a huge applause break and it almost through off the timing/ flow of my set. Had people come up after saying I was the best and I did 25 minutes less than the headliner. Thursday was the Store again. Crowd not nearly as hot. There was maybe 15 or so people. I went up 3rd or so after 2 not the best openers. I felt by the end I opened the crowd up and had a decent set. Friday I was co headlining Winston's. I've been putting myself on once a month for a couple reasons. One, if people are not people me on their shows, why would I give the money and 15 minutes on my show. Second, I was enjoying comedy so why not do more time. Lastly, if I think they won't bring anybody there's no sense booking them. My set went well. I planned to do new jokes, but I opened so strong I just wanted to have a solid 15 minute set. I believe I did so. This week was slow. I did the Store on Wednesday. Once again a pretty small crowd. But they were supportive. I had trouble reaching the energy and big laughs from the middle of my set and didn't end as strong as I would have hoped but oh well. The comic after me tours and is on last comic standing and she did much worse than me which is always a nice feeling I suppose. Friday I did Winston's and it was rough. There was a good amount of people, but I just didn't have a good set. Maybe my energy was off or something. The comic after me did bring a good amount of the crowd and they were a lil chatty and anxious to see him. I just didn't do well, even though a couple gals said I did. Who knows. Sadly my love for comedy that I had a few weeks back has dwindled. I haven't been writing or performing as much. Sucks. I know I have to work some evenings in the next couple weeks so maybe after that I will be able to bounce back. Who knows. At this point I don't know if I'll ever move to NYC.

Week in review

Wednesday and Thursday was the Store. Wednesday was a fun set, don't remember anything really specific. I riffed off what the comic before we said, but that's all I really remember. Thursday was a late night set. I hadn't gone up that late in a little while. There was a few pop ins and I ended up going up 40 minutes after I was scheduled. The comic before me did around 20 minutes and did this long closing bit mixing singers and their lyrics. It's really old and been on tv. It interesting when I asked if there was any single women, there was a good response. Normally, earlier in the night I got nothing. I think it has to do with the people not really knowing what heckling means. But as they get a little drunker they feel they can be more apart of the show. Friday was Winston's. We had a co headliner from L.A. that I worked out with a dude for him to pay her. I hate these shows as I don't feel in control. She was supposed to do 20 and when I asked when she wanted the light, she said 25. Oh ok. She was pretty high energy and funny. She couldn't get much momentum, and actually got off the stage. It's a bar show, and it's tough. My set was ok. I butchered the comic's name I brought up next. I felt bad but she clearly was annoyed. Oh well. I had a friend in town that hadn't seen me so I decided to do jokes I knew worked, but it was still meh.

Few more shows in the books

Finally off nights so got some sets in. Last week I was only able to do Winston's. It was pretty busy. The show was set up a little differently. I booked one headliner and had him pick 3 features. I had never seen any of them but they had some friends which is always good. I was working on new material with some old stuff sprinkled in. I remember doing pretty well and having a few people give me a thumbs up. Tuesday I grinded 3 mics as it was my 6 yr comedy anniversary. I started at the Comedy Palace, I hadn't performed on that open mic since I stopped teaching the class 6 or so months ago. I was a little worried as the manager had been hounding me about some paperwork. Luckily he avoided me as he the most passive person I've ever met. I basically just worked on some added material I added to the Home Depot joke. It went ok. I closed with a one liner, it went meh. Next set was at Lestat's where I was doing 10 to 12. I should truthfully have been able to do more. The show only had 4 people on it, with 2 doing 5-7. But whatever, I planned my set out and stuck to it which I rarely do. I messed up one of my first closer and pepppered out. I closed strong and have to say it was a decent set. Next was headlining Til Two. It was a strange show as a few of the comics were gay and the entire audience was gay males. Can't say I've ever performed out front of just men in the crowd, but all gay men was interesting. I did as best as I could. I guy after said I was funny and told me I should talk about Steven King when I talk about Maine. Oh ok. Thursday I did the Comedy Store. They were a pretty low energy, small crowd. I kind of had fun with it, and was extra self depricating. I wouldn't say I did great. But strangely after the show, 2 seperate groups of people said I was their favorite. Which is rare, and sometimes I do feel I do the best, but I didn't expect to hear it that night. It's always nice to be complimented, esp. when it's unexpected. Friday was Winston's. My set started off a little weird as I was co headlining, but the feature I went up after A. bombed very hard and B. brought most of the crowd. It's been awhile since I've seen someone have that many people support him and do that poorly. Anyways when I got up they were all talking. i kinda addressed it, but just plowed through, after a minute or two they weren't as loud. I wouldn't say I did great, but powered through some new jokes and had a decent time with the set.

Headlining Til Two open mic

Well I went up last at least. I swung by after work. I had been driving past it every Sunday night and just not doing it. I forced myself to go up for 2 reasons, the only night I can go up this week is Friday at Winston's as I'm working every night and I wrote 3 new jokes yesterday. There was about 5 comics in the room. I checked in with the host and there was only 2 people ahead of me, so I signed up and went to my car and put together a set list. The host who I've never really spoken to was also doing sound. So he brings me up then has to run back and turn the music on. Very strange. He butchered my name, which hasn't happened in many years. I opened with a few porn jokes which is a little weird as the host is a former porn star. First one does well, second, not so much. New jokes hit pretty well, although I was doing the last one, and the host started playing the music. It really threw me off, he said it was accidental, but honestly how do you accidentally turn music on. Anyways, I bailed on that joke, and tried my new merbutler joke, which got a decent laugh. I'll likely keep swinging by if I have new stuff to work on. I'm looking forward to not have to work every night.

Fun night at Winston's

Crowd was much lighter than last week, but they were attentive and enjoying the show. I worked on some new jokes, and did one of my old jokes as requested by a comic who was moving the next day. I felt a little off throughout the set. I don't know if it was from the booze or just working too much. I messed up a few words, and made up a few words. One mess up kinda helped me as I was able to get a new tag out of it (parmesean a pigion). Anyways, sadly I have to work every night this week too, so I'm going to have to take advantage of my time at Winston's on Friday.

Started off being booed

Well last night was interesting. There was a pretty good/ young crowd. They all looked the same. They basically were all punk kids, all there for one or two people. This can be challenging. I was at 1st supposed to go up right after the main act of the night who was doing 15 minutes. That can always be weird when everyone is doing 6-8 minutes then someone does a lot more time. This wasn't the case as we had a lot of pop ins for big ole L.A. One of them being Dat Phan. I've seen him around town a lot lately. He's a very intense person. Constantly pacing and on his phone. Last night he was passing out Snickers ice cream bars. Anyways. The comic before me closed with a "joke" about a parent being happy their mentally challenged child got killed in a school shooting. So, as he says my name as he's starring at a piece of paper, a woman started booing. He was the host of the L.A. Comedy Store when I did it a few years back. Told the audience the open mic comics didn't have souls, feel free to throw things at us, boo, etc. So he's not the most professional, funny comic. But he is a paid regular in Hollywood, which makes me question comedy in general. I somewhat get being a dick as host of an open mic, but how can you not at least remember my first name. He bragged about spelling my name out phonetically, when I told him just to say my first name. Well after having a really subpar set, he takes out a piece of paper and just said my first name. Pretty bad. Anyways, I acknowledged the booing and she said she was booing the comic before me. I just said, you should follow him and boo in his face. She was drunk, but it was kind of funny to see her complaining to the door guy almost an hour later about how offensive and bad he was. My set went pretty well considering. The manager went in to watch which is very rare. I always feel an added pressure when he is in there to do jokes that I know work. But after I did some old shit, I transitioned into some new stuff to close. They all did pretty well. I closed with a newer joke that got a slight applause break which is always good. I was going to do my race track closer, but when that joke his pretty well, I didn't feel like running the light. The show went kinda long with all the pop ins, but I was still happy to be there. I even hung out a little bit after to chat with a couple comics. I really wanted to go up again. Sadly I have to work tonight and won't be able to go up. Have to wait until tomorrow night.

Working/ performing at the Store

Well I worked a weekend at the Comedy Store for the first time in nearly a year and a half. It wasn't quite as bad as I remember, but it is a long time to be there. I could do it now and again, but could never go back to every week. I'm kinda ok again with the manager so that makes things a little easier. He asked me to open the first show. I was excited but the crowd was much older than the normal Wednesday/ Thursday crowd. Opening can always be tough, but at 7 PM, when it's still light out can be even more difficult. I just couldn't gain any real momentum. I went to my closer before even getting the light to salvage a mediocre set. That got a decent response, but nothing great. I went to another normally solid bit to close and it was meh. A lot of the back of the crowd was talking and settling in. I could have addressed it, but it really wouldn't come off well and would hinder the show. The front of the room seemed to be enjoying it, and I can take solice in that. I overheard an older man say either the first comic was "on it" or "awful," I said good night to gauge what he said. He didn't say anything, so I must assume he said awful. Oh well. I lobbied to do the second show as well, as they were much younger and ended up being a much better crowd. I chatted with the feature a bit. He was only 25. He said he doesn't get up at the LA Store but the headliner got him on. I'm starting realize how important surrounding yourself with a core group of funny friends is. So many opportunities are basically word of mouth these days. Everyone has a video and a website, clubs are getting emails, calls, etc. from so many comics they likely just check out. From what I've seen locally comedy club managers are pretty lazy and unorganized, so it likely isn't just a San Diego thing. It takes a certain skill set to run a comedy club. Dealing with all the ego's and lunatics. But their is also a certain power they must feel with the knowledge they can control people's stage time and making a living.

Winston's headlining spot

Well this was an interesting set. There was a good amount of people. Everyone kept coming up to me, saying great crowd. I'd respond, it's a big crowd, doesn't always translate to a great crowd. When I got there, people were starting to file in. They were not the typical Winston's crowd. They were mostly there to see the features. Who were a little older female comics. Whatever, a crowd is a crowd. I wasn't sure how my set was going to go, but I knew I'd make a few bucks. Most of the comics were having a tough time relating to the crowd. They were somewhat sensitive, and their default was to say "ahh" or "oooohh." One of the comics kind of opened them up with crowd work, then the next two comics did pretty well. The first feature did ok. He's always a wild card as he can sometimes, well always, be misogenistic. He has gotten a little better about it, and can get some laughs. The next feature was who most of the crowd came to see. She did well. The next feature did ok, and it was then me. I wasn't really stressing, because I knew either way I'd make a few bucks, but I had written out a long set list of newish jokes. I kinda abandoned that set, but did do some new jokes and closed with an brand new joke I thought of that day. I kinda wish I would have filmed it. I had some good riffs and I think the crowd, which by no way was my ideal crowd enjoyed it. Still in a good place with comedy, and last night reminded me of that.

Stretching my legs at the Comedy Store

Had a fun set at the Comedy Store last night. There was no comics there to go up after me so I got to stay up there until someone showed up. It was kind of a cool feeling. But I could have been better prepared. At a few points I was forgetting material. I messed up my words a few times, but for the most part all of the jokes worked but one (pussy magnet). Been awhile since I did that joke and I don't think it's a good joke for the Comedy Store. As they are mostly couples and it is a little too dirty. I ended up doing around 15. I did do two new jokes for the first time, both hitting pretty well. I need to find a way to close one of them stronger, but was happy I got a good start. I closed with the horse race joke, and ended up getting an applause break, which is always nice. Had a few people high five me after. It felt good as they weren't an overly great crowd. I likely had the best set, but I did do twice as much time as everyone else. But, I started off strong, so I'll take it. Had to take a break from doing a bunch of shows because I've been filling in on nights at the radio station. Sucks when I really want to perform, yet have to work this week and next due to a coworkers injury. I'm hoping my motivation stays around. I've been trying to write at least one new joke a day.

Ending somewhat strongish

Thursday at the Comedy Store was really good. Although I had fun plowing through on Wednesday, Thursday was a solid crowd. Start to finish was good. Had a lady say she enjoyed my set. Found out later she had been doing comedy for 15 years, but that is suspect as she sat in the front row. I can't think of many serious comedians who sit in the front row, let alone the first few rows to see non famous comedians. Who knows. I enjoyed my set, and worked out a few new things that worked out well. Friday was Winston's. When I got there it was pretty dead, which I was a little worried as I had booked a guy that claimed to be bringing a good amount of peps. They slowly, and LOUDLY, started coming in. They were really loud for awhile, then settled in somewhat nicely. There was a good wave of 3 or 4 comics that had the crowd enjoying themselves. My set was somewhat hit or miss. They wanted dirty, and once I gave them that they started to enjoy it. They were still talking pretty loudly, but I tried to just plow through it. Had a few people come up to me after saying I did well. But, would have liked to have done better. They started to filter out after they saw who they wanted to see, and there was a decent number of people who watched the two co headliners. One of the headliners asked me today what I was pissed at him about today. I had absolutely no clue wtf he was talking about. He didn't want to go into detail, but I still have no clue what he meant. I told him I'm running a show with 30 plus comics and have to wrap up by 9. We were over time, and that kinda stressful. Luckily we were able to go a few minutes over and it wasn't a big deal. I was playing catch up all night, and not sure how we ended up so far over.

Weird week

Monday I hot the mics hard. Started at Lestat's trying to get an early or late spot. Ended up getting a spot at 930. I then headed to Hart Lounge to check out this mic. There were zero real people, just comics. A few I'd never seen before. I went up second. I worked out some new jokes. The bartender was kinda annoying and making drinks which was extremely loud in this small bar environment. He was also kinda heckling which was weird. I did 5 or so minutes and felt fine about it, got some laughs which is all I can ask for. I then headed to Madhouse. I talked to the host about popping on and he got me up first after the show. It's weird doing an open mic after a show but going up first is good as the audience is still there. I did material I knew would work as I figured that would be the best way to keep the audience there. It went really well. Comics after me were pretty bad and the audience started filing out. Not sure why they wouldn't put stronger comics at the start, but who knows. I then went to Lestat's. I followed 2 pretty hot female singers. I mentioned that and the crowd liked me from the start. I did a pretty solid, clean 5 minute set and felt good about it. On to Tuesday. It was the competition at the Mad house. I have been feeling good about comedy and felt this should be an easy pass. I get there and see the line up has been changed and there is a new comic there. He's a friend of mine so I'm not mad at him, but the rules clearly state you can not swap dates. This pissed me off and I pretty much didn't want to perform. I opened my set telling the audience they know nothing about comedy. I didn't care and almost left after my set. I phoned it in and just messed around on stage. This has worked in the past but this audience was too stupid to realize the joke. The judges weren't comics either which is just ridiculous. I didn't even make it in the top 6 which is almost laughable and a testament to how dumb that audience truly was. I didn't care. I then headed to Til Two and did a quick 5 minute spot. There was a crowd but they seemed less than pumped to see me. I got some laughs, but wouldn't say it was great. Wednesday was the Comedy Store. Very weird crowd. Every one was coupled, other than one brother/sister twosome. They were very low energy and it took awhile before they really opened up. They were better later in the show. I felt I did fine. Worked on some new stuff. They were very sensitive. Anything edgy at all they would gasped and just not be on board. Cute girl after told me I was hilarious which is always nice.

Palace fun

Performed at the Comedy Palace for the first time in like 6 months or so. Since they replaced me as teacher of the comedy class. It was weird being there. One of the managers said hello, but the one I dealt with for the most part stayed clear. He knows he screwed me and lied many, many times. Anyways. There was about 15, maybe 20 people there. The show was put on in the back room, which they called Back Door, which is strange. The main room was pretty full. Luckily they installed a 2nd set of doors so it was pretty sound proof back there. I went up in the "feature" spot. I was supposed to do 15, I think I did closer to 20. There were a few lulls as I was sprinkling in new and old jokes. I tried to end really strong, and ended meh. They surely weren't a regular comedy crowd, so some of the nuances of a typical crowd wasn't there. But I had a fun set. I forgot one new joke I wanted to work on, but for the most part I was happy with the set. Felt good to do 20 and want to keep going. I'm going to continue to stay focused I hope and keep writing and performing.

Refocusing on comedy

Well after a year and half hiatus and a lot of women and life stuff, I've decided to try to refocus myself on stand up. I went through all my old notebooks to see if I can get any of that old stuff to work now. I got about a new 15 minutes and I'm enjoying comedy again (for the most part). This week I'll end up going up 5 times. Twice Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday. Monday I attempted to go up 3 times, but the timing was a little off. I had a Dr.'s appointment at work that last over 2 hours, so I wasn't able to get to the gym before the 1st mic. I stopped by as it was in the same area of the mic I planned to do. It was mostly comics and I signed up 10th. As I weighed my options, I decided that most of the crowd would likely be gone when I go up, so decided I wanted to go to the gym instead. I hit up the gym, then rushed up to do a set at the Mad House open mic. This is the 2nd week in a row that I did it. They have the mic after the show, which is strange. But luckily a decent amount of crowd members still lingered. I had to basically walk in and asked the host to put me up soon as I had a 940 spot at Lestat's. He was able to get me up and I had a fun quick set of working on new jokes. I booked it out of there and headed to Lestat's. This is mostly a music open mic, but there was 2 other comics there. It had been years since I had done it, as it's a random drawing and it was hit or miss whether I would get picked. There seemed to be less people than I remember. I got picked in the middle and chose a spot that would allow me to do the show(s) downtown. My set started off pretty dead. Did some jokes that normally always work and they fell flat. I awknowledged that it wasn't going well and you could stop the recording. This got a decent laugh, and someone actually said, "I like you now." After that, my set flowed nicely and felt I ended pretty strong. A few people said nice job, so that was cool. Tuesday was a bringer show at the Comedy Store. How these are still successful boggles my mind. But every week they seem to get at least 70-80 crowd members. Esp. with the hacky headliner doing basically the same "jokes" every month. I asked the "host" if I could get a spot as the crowds are always super generous with laughing, as most of the comics are new and not great. He said he would get me 7-10 minutes. When I see the list there are like 10 comics on there. The "host" tells me he's getting pressure to cut comics off the list as the turn out wasn't great. 80 plus people on a Tuesday is amazing. The "headliner" is the same tool I had a run in with at the Comedy Palace a few years ago and is super fake and douchey. Anyways he goes into a speil about wanting me to like him and blah blah. I tell him it's business and I get it. He ends up giving me 3 minutes. I do really well. The next comic, admittingly couldn't follow me. Last night I did Winston's. I knew when I got there it isn't going to be as great as I had hoped. The crowd is pretty bare and the ones that are there are pretty drunk. They sit near the front but definately planned to be a part of the show. They weren't awful, but not ideal. Most of the comics are talking withe them and not doing jokes persay. The comic before me did mostly jokes and did pretty well. I knew I wanted to do mostly jokes. I've been working hard on writing and wanted to stick to that. I open up pretty strong to which the group of drunks were enjoying it and not heckling at all. One of them actually said, "I love you," or something like that. As great as I started, I kinda peter'd out as the set went along. I did about 10 minutes, and felt pretty good about it. I brought up the first feature, not realizing I didn't pronounce her name correctly. Felt a little bad as we have been flirty. She's bi and has a finance, but had asked me out for drinks. Then a day before told me it would be strictly platonic. What woman asks a man for drinks and wants to be platonic. It was weird. I'm trying to stay off women, and don't have time for simply platonic ones. Anyways. I kinda butchered the next comics name to which he said I was drunk. And although I am a drunk, I wasn't drunk at that time, I simply never said his name nor care. Tonight I'm doing a set at the Comedy Palace. I haven't been there in about 6 months, or since they basically stripped me of my duties of teaching the comedy class. It was real shaddy and I felt back stabbed by two people I considered friends in the comedy game. I'm not sure how the show is gonna go. I heard the first one was good but the last one was not. I just want to stay out a little later. Saturdays I'm basically off at 5 and am just trying not to drink. Having a show, will keep me off the booze a little longer.

It's been awhile

So a lot has happened since I last posted. I have to get back into posting as it is a way to get my thoughts out of rumbling around my head. First on the ex front. We hadn't talked basically all year. There was the meltdown on New Year's that apparently was all my fault for caring. Then I got drunk one Friday night after basically being molested by a female comic with a bf and tried calling her and swinging by her house. The calls were not returned and she had moved. I texted her the next day wondering why I still cared, but that was the middle of December. Fast forward to going home in June, where my life took a huge downward spiral. I was drinking day and night. A. Because I couldn't sleep. B. Because I had been working like crazy going into that trip. C. I was depressed. D. I'm an alcoholic. Anyways we were at dinner with my family and I tried calling her twice, both we're not answered, nor did I leave a message. Fast forward to being back in San Diego, and Jesse felt the need to tell me she had recently gone through a break up. Saturday a few weeks back I unblocked her, and liked a few of her status' just to see if she would respond. After hours she texted, "why are you liking my stuff," angry as always. Well previous to that convo, my locker at the gym had been broken into and someone stole my car key out of my pants pocket as well as a joke I had written on a paper. So I had to have AAA break into my car to get my house key, drive to my apt to get my spare, drive back only to find out the spare was no longer programmed to work my car. So then I had to miss work at the Store, call my co worker to cover my Sunday radio shift, call AAA to rebreak into my car to see if the key even started the car, then drove the car to the dealership and left it there until they could program the key on Monday. So basically I drank Saturday night-Monday morning. I had being working harder than I had in the past on curtailing my drinking before that point. Anyways the theft cost me about $500 with missing work and if I replace the key that's another $300. Anyways I somehow ended up speaking with the ex on Monday because she offered to let me take our cat. Mostly because the cat was attacking her dog and being an all around dick to her other animals. She made it seem like she wanted to help me. She may be the most delusional person I've ever come in contact with. She really has no idea how incredibly selfish she is. She only cares about herself. She ended up going off on me again, for no reason at all. She once again brought me to tears to which I had to just hang up the phone. I tried so hard to be cordial to her but she is just such an awful person. And the sad part is she feels the same about me. She said I was the worst boyfriend and would have rather I cheated on her non stop. By talking with Jesse we somewhat established she gets a rise out of being mean to me. She knows how I feel about myself and won't give it back to her. I came out of that convo a stronger man. I dealt with her for over a year. After all the judgements. I am not a great man by any means, but I don't purposely try to hurt people. Wednesday I had my podcast to which I discussed my convo with her. The podcast got very real, and at some points dark. The guest also deals with depression and alcoholism. I opened up about my suicidal thoughts and fears of never being happy. It was nice to get those things off my chest and into the public. Well Friday I get another text rant from her saying I should leave her alone and that I'm the worst person ever. She denied many of the things she said. I almost feel bad for her, as she so gone. She had a tough, loveless childhood, and I think it has really messed her up. I did try to be there for her, but she just doesn't get it. I think at this point it is time to move on and cut my losses. I have enough of my own personal issues I don't need a negative person, with an agenda to bring me down even further. I'm actually enjoying the new girl, I just fear I'm still too broken to be loved or love at this point in my life. She has given me space and been there for me. We've had a few spats that have been blown out of proportion which is likely my fault. I have no real complaints about her, we just had a rocky start. I don't know what's going to come of it, but I can't let another person crush my soul anymore. Drinking.... Oh nasty nasty booze. I'm trying to come out of one of the worst benders of my life. And it's going to be hard as I'm going to have days off Monday- Wednesday now going forward, as well as off until 4 when getting off at 6 AM on Thursday. My brain is going to be fighting with itself. I did take 3 days off from drinking this past week which is likely the most since the 3 days I took off when I dated Julie (who's since married another man). But yeah, likely the most days off since Beth visited in 2007 (the last time I've seen her). She was pregnant, her son is now 5 I believe. Kinda crazy. I slept decent last night and although I dreamt a good deal, it wasn't the killer scenario that I'm used to. I'm going to focus on taking 3 days off, and hope to work my way to 4 days soon. The goal of course is to be totally sober but I think I could mentally be happy drinking just 2 nights a week. My problem is I still can't drink for enjoyment. And that is a major reason why I have been determined to cut back. When I'm buzzed I'm just more alone and depressed. So I just want to shut my brain off. Who knows how much damage I've done to my brain and liver. Comedy, the reason for the blog right. Nothing major has really happened. I did a weekend at ACC. All shows were blah. The first show there were two guys in the front with their arms crossed, not laughing at anything. The first show Friday made me want to quit comedy. The late show Friday I did a different set, to which the manager went crazy in the back saying I should only be doing my best jokes. 2 minutes later he was laughing. At the end of the night he spoke to me about thinking I was so funny and didn't realize how many jokes I had, and that he wanted to see me go further in comedy. Well, 3 months later I haven't been invited back. I recorded a cd. It was literally 90 plus degrees in there and likely hotter on stage. The crowd started filing out and I knew after my first joke it was going to be a long 50 minutes. After awhile I just kinda was in the moment and tried to have fun. After going back and listening I was able to clean it up to make it sound decent. I haven't decided what I want to do with it, but I did put it online to gauge some interest. The feedback has been positive but who knows if they're just being nice. As far as the Store, it's annoying as always. People get hot headed over nothing and get nuts over an $8 an hour job. Last night we threw out a table because they responded to what a comedian asked. It was totally wrong on our part and those people won't be back. Joke writing has been slow and stagnant. I'm hoping that cutting back on drinking will inspire me to write more but who knows. I have to try to stay positive and do as well as I can when I'm up there. I have a few shows this week that could help get me out of the funk or slip me deeper into depression. We'll see. I hope to get back to the blog going forward and possibly start working on a book.

Another month, more rutt like living

Wow been so busy lately. No real excuse for not updating the blog, but it's just been a blur as of late. Main concern is my liver. Feels sensitive to the touch almost like it's bruised. I gotta just set up a meeting with a doctor and hear the words, "You gotta stop drinking, before you die idiot." I don't know why I keep putting it off. I know I'm in danger, and the fact I can't take at least one day off is basically gross. I didn't day drink, well other than at 6 AM after work, but that's kind of standard. Kinda dating a girl, who drinks likely as much, or more than me. All we do is drink and bang. It's nice and all, but I know it's unhealthy for me. My whole right side feels like I've been punched. Doesn't hurt unless I touch it, but I know this can't be good. I keep putting off a doctor's appointment and a meeting with a financial adviser. My computer crashed completely this week. Which is lame, considering I've had it two months. I have no time to bring it in until Tuesday. My work schedule has been crazy lately. Worked nearly 60 hours last week, and another 50 this week. Been raking in money lately, normally saving around $800 a month. That's cool, but wtf am I doing with the money and my life. I'm going to die, and not do anything with the money. I'm approaching $100k, which is about a year after I thought I reach that level, but quitting poker and the huge downswings I faced December 2011, really killed my chances to make poker a full time thing. I would like to start playing tournaments again, but as far as grinding cash games again I can't see myself doing that. I think I'm getting close to rock bottom. I feel like I'm just going down in flames. I need to get this alcoholism under wraps as soon as possible. I keep pushing everything off, it's so lame. I have drank kinda a little bit less the last few nights, aka not blacked out, and had some freaky dreams. Last night I'm pretty sure I was back in high school, and back with all those friends. It was trippy. It's just so tough as every, single night I'm offered free drinks at work. I just have to stop buying the damn weekly bottle of vodka. That's the main problem, I can't just drink one or two, I need to shut my brain off. It's depression really. Supressed it with booze for nearly 7 years now, and my body is paying the price. Thursday was drunken and high. Ended up sleeping in my car, well waking up in it anyways. I didn't drive. But the fact I'm blacking out in public is a huge problem. I need to cut out smoking. I have too many vices and don't need anymore. As far as comedy I have no real complaints. Mu joke writing has suffered as of late but my stage presence is the best it's been in awhile. I know I can go back to the character, to get the bigger laughs. I don't know what I'm doing to be honest. I didn't advance out of the second round of the last contest. All I did was rip on all the other comics on the show. I got a good response but maybe the crowd didn't take me seriously. I see other comics recording cd's and what not, and I'm not even sure I could do 45 minutes. Crazy to think I did 30 minutes 6 months in. I don't use basically any of those jokes but the point is I was working much harder on my jokes back then. Who knows what my focus is now. Sad thing is I don't know. It's almost like I don't care. I'm just going day to day, not thinking of the what the backlash is going to be.

Been ignoring the blog

Can't believe it's been over a month since I blogged. Not much has really happened as far as comedy goes. Did 30 minutes last night at a jiu jitsu studio in Vista. I brought up a set list, mostly because I wanted to do a different set than I did a few weeks ago at the Madhouse where I did 25 minutes. There was a girl that went to that show and she came to this one as well. I more wanted to challenge myself. Not all of it was great, but I'd say out of the 55 minutes, I know I have a really solid 30 minutes. The new girl is fun, but she drinks nearly as much as me so I know for the best would be to not get too serious with her. Who knows I'm having fun for now. New Year's Day was horrible and as my friend described it, my relationship bottom with the ex. She called me a left a vm where she was crying at the end. I was with the new girl so didn't immediately call her back. Once I did she basically told me she didn't know where she was. I got wasted and ended up going to her house. She of course wasn't there, so I attempted to find a way in. Stupid drunk. I went in the backdoor, and slept in there. The next morning, I left rose medals on the bed. Why? Who knows, I'm an idiot sometimes. Anyways, I spoke to her in the morning and she still didn't know where she was. I told her I was at her house to which she hung up and ignored me for the rest of the day. I called her on the work phone and she picked up. I was extremely pissed, and knew at that point I wanted nothing to do with her. I had been doing well, but for some reason on Friday I got wasted and walked over to her home. Luckily she has moved. I don't want to know where she moved or hope I never contact her again. I am worried about my drinking and whether I ever fall in love again. I wish I could be happy, but I don't see a future, who knows. Guess there was a fight at the Store last night. Makes sense. Things have been tense around there recently. Not sure why, but one of the manager has been a bigger dick lately. Don't know what really happened by, guess it was about 25 people involved. I'm glad I wasn't there as there would be no way I'd fight anyone. Heard they cancelled the show after that. I have been writing and getting some new ideas this week so that's uplifting. I'm gonna keep plugging away and trying to get happier. Parents are coming to visit in March and I'm going to plan to put my best foot forward for that week.

Having fun on stage

Been enjoying my time on stage lately. Basically been messing around, trying new jokes. Some of them work, others not so much. My style has been changing, and the jokes I write I enjoy, but crowds don't seem to enjoy them as much. I'm not sure if that's really what's going on or that's just my perception. Talked to one of my comedy friends who's moved to L.A. He told me he recently got a college agent. Good for him, he's a funny dude, so I'm happy for him. Been in a really weird mood lately. The ex has been randomly texting with me. I imagine she's just fucking with me, as she has no interest in getting back together. This breakup has been so hard on me. It's really taken a toll on me. With her I at least had something to look forward to. Now it's just misery. This comedy thing likely will never pan out. But I don't know what else I could possibly do with my life. It's really scary. Maybe I should just move home and give up the dream. Who knows.

Why oh why would you tell me that?

So I made it the last 3 days without day drinking. I mean I worked 2 of them and had a mid afternoon meeting the other one, but a win is a win. Gotta take small gains. I have been drinking less at night as well. Such a struggle, I hate it. As for the title one of my roommates friends felt the need to bring up my ex today. Why do people do that? Nobody wants to talk about their ex. Not only did he ask me that, he told me he saw that she was in a relationship with a black guy. Ummmmm thanks, for ruining my day and evening and week. I of course send her a text, to which she denies it. I have to believe it I suppose. I think she still has love and care for me, but simply hates me. She pictures me as a monster. That is a tough feeling. I'm an alcoholic but I am in no way a bad person. I know that for sure. Shitty person, never be a husband, sure, but I am a good person.I'm still on the fence on whether or not she is in a relationship, and even when I heard it, although hurt, I was ok with it I guess. It's the replaced again feeling. I suppose I will never get over what happened with my ex. I am in capable of feeling loved and good enough. It's a deep pain that may never go away. I need someone that will accept me as I am, but first I need to accept myself. How can someone love me when I hate myself. Oh well. I leave my phone in my car at night. Just protects me from texting her. She deserves a better life without me. Poker's been fun. Sunday I went up with Jesse at the Store. First time we've tried it there. We got 16 minutes which is fun. It wasn't polished or great but I think the crowd opened up and enjoyed us. Monday was the open mic. 45 people in the crowd. Better than most of our Best of show's and the best open mic I can recall in awhile. One guy brought a bunch of people and a girl was shooting a documentary and she brought a good amount of people too. I did an actual set for the most part, on top of messing around a little bit. I liked it. The girl shooting the vid complimented me a few times. She's way too cute to do comedy. Esp. cause she talks about not being able to get men, ya ok lady.

Slight mental lapse

Thursday was the Store. I went up 2nd. It was a weird crowd. There was a black guy that was the show promoter. He sat in the back. There was a group of about 8 black guys that I tried to sit in the middle of the crowd. They sat down for a bit, then went to the back to sit with their comic friend. It made it for a divided crowd. They weren't laughing much at set up punch line jokes. I adjusted rather quickly and had a pretty solid set. One comic went after me and just destroyed this one woman who was just drunk and trying to be a part of the show. She wasn't really that bad and he tore into her. The comics were dying laughing and they let him go for as long as he wanted. I felt it really ruined the show for comics after him. Everyone in charge there has no sense of comedy. Friday was Winston's. It was raining which always effects the amount of people that attend the show. One of the headliners told me earlier in the week that she wouldn't be there. The other headliner pretty much shit on the show for 12 minutes. I still paid him $50, oh well. I went up with Jesse for my set. We did about 12 minutes. It was fun, just sucked one of the mics kept cutting in and out. After the show we went to the Harp and I smoked a little bit. I remember not being too drunk and having a very good time. I ended up getting too drunk as I often do. I went over to Hugo's but when he went to bed I stumbled back over to the ex's. Stupid stupid decision. I called her a few times, then stumbled to my car to sleep in there. I forgot my glasses at Hugo's so when I woke up in the morning I walked back to his house to sleep a bit. I'm still day drinking, it's pathetic. Luckily I have some things to keep me busy this week, work tomorrow, meeting Tuesday, etc. Saturdays Store shows were night and day. The first crowd was amazing, everyone did great. The 2nd show was the drunkest group of people I've seen in a long time. Most of them should not have been let in. I kept telling people to be quiet but they kept on talking. I was prepared to get a verbal lashing at the end of the night, but luckily that didn't happen. That was the worst I've seen it be. The headliner told us to let them chat, but if it was too much he'd tell us to throw them out. We threw out about 4 groups of people. A couple just left and sat in the lobby after complaining about people talking. I was pretty defenseless as I told the manager we need to throw people out and he didn't follow up.