Having fun on stage

Been enjoying my time on stage lately. Basically been messing around, trying new jokes. Some of them work, others not so much. My style has been changing, and the jokes I write I enjoy, but crowds don't seem to enjoy them as much. I'm not sure if that's really what's going on or that's just my perception. Talked to one of my comedy friends who's moved to L.A. He told me he recently got a college agent. Good for him, he's a funny dude, so I'm happy for him. Been in a really weird mood lately. The ex has been randomly texting with me. I imagine she's just fucking with me, as she has no interest in getting back together. This breakup has been so hard on me. It's really taken a toll on me. With her I at least had something to look forward to. Now it's just misery. This comedy thing likely will never pan out. But I don't know what else I could possibly do with my life. It's really scary. Maybe I should just move home and give up the dream. Who knows.

Why oh why would you tell me that?

So I made it the last 3 days without day drinking. I mean I worked 2 of them and had a mid afternoon meeting the other one, but a win is a win. Gotta take small gains. I have been drinking less at night as well. Such a struggle, I hate it. As for the title one of my roommates friends felt the need to bring up my ex today. Why do people do that? Nobody wants to talk about their ex. Not only did he ask me that, he told me he saw that she was in a relationship with a black guy. Ummmmm thanks, for ruining my day and evening and week. I of course send her a text, to which she denies it. I have to believe it I suppose. I think she still has love and care for me, but simply hates me. She pictures me as a monster. That is a tough feeling. I'm an alcoholic but I am in no way a bad person. I know that for sure. Shitty person, never be a husband, sure, but I am a good person.I'm still on the fence on whether or not she is in a relationship, and even when I heard it, although hurt, I was ok with it I guess. It's the replaced again feeling. I suppose I will never get over what happened with my ex. I am in capable of feeling loved and good enough. It's a deep pain that may never go away. I need someone that will accept me as I am, but first I need to accept myself. How can someone love me when I hate myself. Oh well. I leave my phone in my car at night. Just protects me from texting her. She deserves a better life without me. Poker's been fun. Sunday I went up with Jesse at the Store. First time we've tried it there. We got 16 minutes which is fun. It wasn't polished or great but I think the crowd opened up and enjoyed us. Monday was the open mic. 45 people in the crowd. Better than most of our Best of show's and the best open mic I can recall in awhile. One guy brought a bunch of people and a girl was shooting a documentary and she brought a good amount of people too. I did an actual set for the most part, on top of messing around a little bit. I liked it. The girl shooting the vid complimented me a few times. She's way too cute to do comedy. Esp. cause she talks about not being able to get men, ya ok lady.

Slight mental lapse

Thursday was the Store. I went up 2nd. It was a weird crowd. There was a black guy that was the show promoter. He sat in the back. There was a group of about 8 black guys that I tried to sit in the middle of the crowd. They sat down for a bit, then went to the back to sit with their comic friend. It made it for a divided crowd. They weren't laughing much at set up punch line jokes. I adjusted rather quickly and had a pretty solid set. One comic went after me and just destroyed this one woman who was just drunk and trying to be a part of the show. She wasn't really that bad and he tore into her. The comics were dying laughing and they let him go for as long as he wanted. I felt it really ruined the show for comics after him. Everyone in charge there has no sense of comedy. Friday was Winston's. It was raining which always effects the amount of people that attend the show. One of the headliners told me earlier in the week that she wouldn't be there. The other headliner pretty much shit on the show for 12 minutes. I still paid him $50, oh well. I went up with Jesse for my set. We did about 12 minutes. It was fun, just sucked one of the mics kept cutting in and out. After the show we went to the Harp and I smoked a little bit. I remember not being too drunk and having a very good time. I ended up getting too drunk as I often do. I went over to Hugo's but when he went to bed I stumbled back over to the ex's. Stupid stupid decision. I called her a few times, then stumbled to my car to sleep in there. I forgot my glasses at Hugo's so when I woke up in the morning I walked back to his house to sleep a bit. I'm still day drinking, it's pathetic. Luckily I have some things to keep me busy this week, work tomorrow, meeting Tuesday, etc. Saturdays Store shows were night and day. The first crowd was amazing, everyone did great. The 2nd show was the drunkest group of people I've seen in a long time. Most of them should not have been let in. I kept telling people to be quiet but they kept on talking. I was prepared to get a verbal lashing at the end of the night, but luckily that didn't happen. That was the worst I've seen it be. The headliner told us to let them chat, but if it was too much he'd tell us to throw them out. We threw out about 4 groups of people. A couple just left and sat in the lobby after complaining about people talking. I was pretty defenseless as I told the manager we need to throw people out and he didn't follow up.

Moving along

Sunday at the Store was slow, but more importantly the crowd did not want to laugh, like at all. It was weird, I went up 3rd cause 2 people were late. After I saw the first 2 comics bomb kinda hard, I knew I didn't want to do a normal set. I asked one of the other comics if he'd come on stage and let us try to raffle him off. I brought him up, the gag went fine, even though he tried to basically sabotage it by not speaking. Not sure why in his comedic brain he found this to be a good idea. It was really annoying. The crowd laughed a little bit, and someone told me I was their favorite. Monday was the Store open mic. I thought it may get cancelled again as there was 2 people in the crowd at 755 but a group came in to support one guy. They let the comics do 4 minutes but stopped the list at 20 comics, which ended up being 21. My set was fun. Did some jokes, and attempts to speak to the crowd with no response. Either way my set was fun as always on Mondays. Tuesday I did a charity show in P.B. There was a good amount of people there. I started off pretty strong, but lost them somewhere in the middle. I think a lot of people started to enter the bar and talking. It was pretty distracting. I got through my 20 minutes and watched Jesse. He struggled with all the people talking as well, and bailed early. Wednesday was Winston's contest. There was a decent crowd, 20 or so people. We had 5 black comics, one mexican, one iraqi?, and one half white comic. Pretty crazy. I didn't plan it that way just happened. Everyone did pretty ok. It was between 5 people, and judges vote made a difference. After Winston's I cruised over to Bar 11. Jesse and I went up together. We only got 5 minutes and it went by extremely fast. I can't remember a set every seeming so fast. Even when I was doing 3 minutes I'd still find myself glancing over at the light. It was a lot of fun and I think we should start trying that a little more often.

Picking up the pieces

So seems things with the ex are done for good. Thursday she texted me over and over again that she hated me, wanted to spit in my face, and never wanted to see me again. It was incredible mean and hurtful. She is upset that I hung out with the other girl, even though she was dating. Pretty rediculous claim. She said something to the effect that she was testing me, to see if I'd hang with her or something like that. Pretty crazy. I am not strong enough mentally to be with her. She is too serious, too intense. I wish we could just be two people and have fun. That's how things were at the start. Put there were too many rules, I was unhappy. I couldn't please her. My alcoholism obviously has a lot to blame about the relationship falling apart. But I can admit my mistakes, and want to change. I know she never will. She will make someone happy but that person, I know now will not be me. I tried Friday to come to some sort of truce but it was just more spiteful hate. We don't get along, can't find a common ground. We were just too different. I am in a better place than last week. Still drinking more than I ever have, and don't know how to kick it. I'm meeting with my friend who goes to AA tomorrow. Hopefully she can help me. I also researched some day time AA meetings. I might check one out this week. I'm just afraid I will just get more depressed than I already am. I need to make a change and the time is now. Comedy has been going great, esp. financially. Had the best week of the year this past one. I still think I need to get a day gig one or two days a week. Something to get my mind off things and not allow me to drink. They offered me a split shift at work 6-9, then 330-6, but it almost isn't worth it. I'll see how the next few weeks play out. If I can make headway on the drinking problem. Thursday I did a show at a Navy base. It was a little weird cause all the lights were on and it was in a conference hall. I messed around for the most part and think I got a pretty solid reaction. Did mostly the basics with mixed in crowd work. Friday was Winston's. I had a feeling it was gonna be busy and I was right. My set was a roller coaster, but ended strong. Always a fight, but I was happy about it. Saturday was back at the Store. It was likely one of the best crowds for a weekend in awhile. Everyone did well. The open normally struggles but he did well. The feature has the hackiest, dumbest jokes but crowds eat it up. The headliner was either high or drunk or both but he was slurring about everything. It was crazy he still remembered his 45 plus minute set. I heard he really struggled the night before, the crowd loved him.

Had some fun

Sunday was the Store. I went up somewhat early. I followed a dude that did a joke, and I made myself a part of it. It worked on Thursday, Sunday I dragged it out too much. That will be the last time I do it. I chatted with the girls in the front a bit. It was a pretty solid set throughout. Monday the open mic at the Store got cancelled because there was 0 audience members. Tuesday there was no show either. Both days I spent alone drinking vodka and being miserable. Wednesday morning I called my Mom, crying beyond belief. I need to get out of this funk, not sure how long it's going to take. I'm still having trouble getting past the "perfect" comment. I just can't believe the two girls I loved threw me out so damn quickly. It really hurts me. Last night at Winston's was pretty busy. The open mic ran long, but the crowd was pretty solid. Everyone did well. The right people advanced in my mind. The commentary was hilarious as always.

Crushed beyond comedy

I have never felt so depressed and lost. The ex got into this, somehow. And took my writings in the total wrong way. She doesn't understand the pain I'm in and what I'm doing to cope. She has this assumption that I was hanging out with the old friend as a possible love interest and that is not the case. I hung out with her, as I've stated before because we connect. She accepts me for me, something I went a year and half without feeling. Do I like me, no. But it is nice to hang out with someone without judgements. It was meant to ease me back into reality of being alone again. The ex acted like this crushed her, blah, blah. Only to find out she's been dating one or more men. When she called, even though it wasn't great, I thought there was hope. I even told the new girl, I thought it was best if we took a break as I was trying to make it work with the ex. All for nothing. I lost both my friend and the ex for the future. Even after the first ex left me for someone else, we were at least 3000 miles away and had gone back and forth about breaking up for years. I was still hurt that someone could move on from me so quickly. But this one stings more than I could ever imagine. I can't even talk about it without crying. I'm thinking seriously about just packing it in and quitting it all. I don't think I can live in San Diego or do comedy any longer. I don't think I can move on. I want to get better, put my life back on track, but I know I'll never be able to do it alone. I have come to the realization that the recent ex literally wants to break me down to nothing. She acted like she was jealous and angry when in all reality she's been seeing a new guy. And what stings the most is the fact she felt the need to tell me he was "perfect on paper." Oh and also he has abs. Good for you, get everything you want in one great package. She's also doing this body challenge online. Ok great, you're so happy and better without me, thanks for reminding me how pathetic I am. Everything she wanted, everything I'm not and likely never will be. I'm crying as I write this. I'll never be a man someone will marry, ever. I will always just be second best. A starter boyfriend. Never good enough for someone to be proud of. Never a man a girl would be proud to introduce to her friends and family. I'm just a pathetic clown. Pathetic alcoholic, a friend, a fool. I've never felt so worthless. To be replaced so quickly yet again. I'm not memorable, I'm not worth fighting for, or second chances. Time to pack it in and give up the "dream" that will never happen. I was doing better. Going without speaking to her. I hung out with the new friend to help me move on because that's what's best for her. I know being with her is best for me. I broke down and told her my reasons for being the way I was. I never felt good enough, ever. She reassured me of that daily. And the fact she's with the new "perfect" man so quickly proves my thinking. I can't see things getting better for me anytime soon unless I make a major change. I just can't believe I'm being replaced again by a man they will marry. I know it's for the best, her family, friends, and even she hated me. I should have never even bothered to get better. All it's led to is disappointment. I tried to create the man I know she wanted, I wanted. All the while I was being replaced, and there was no thought of getting back together. A false hope. Which I guess was better than no hope at all. Now every moment is a blur, a wasted fragment of time. At least I had a marriage to look forward. Now there is no sure thing, nothing is consistent other than sadness and alcoholism. Good for her, way to fuck with my brain and heart. I'm proud of you. I survived the first break up, I'll survive this one. But this one is going to take a long time. It's the false caring that has crushed me the most. The attempt to feign interest, all the while with someone else. Allowing me into their home only to tell me about this "perfect" man. I may be a shitty human, but I am the same shitty human to everyone. Both girls portrayed themselves to be these great people. Everyone told me you have to get them back, they're these great people. Do great people really spit on people's hearts? Do they listen and watch someone pour their hearts out to them and stare blankly into their eyes. No emotion, no concern? Is that what great is. I live everyday with people thinking I'm this horrible person. But I have a heart, one that can be used, thrown out, and replaced without concern. What to do with my days other than drink and forget reality. Comedy, what really is the point? I want to start talking more about my life but nothings funny about a miserable alcoholic. It's nothing but couple's that attend the shows. And while I'm working I have to see these happy couples, these "perfect" men. I'm seating people for $8 an hour, to get my 8 minutes. Should I just quit the Store, try to find an investment job, to be that "perfect" man. Someone a girl could be proud of. I can't recall ever being happy in my life. My entire life. Middle school I dealt with obesity. High school I dealt with being really skinny, and being weird around women. College I had the first gf. We had a long distance, often fighting relationship. I loved her so much, but she just never felt the same. Didn't want to say good night. Than I had the 5 or so years of being single. Dated girls here and there but nothing serious. Just couldn't find someone I totally gelled with. Then the most recent ex. It started off like a fairy tale. Then I guess I happened. Vegas happened. We should have just ended things then. No one could accept me for that person. I should have got myself in gear and wanted to change then, but I just didn't feel the support. It wasn't her place but I wanted the ultimatum. I wanted her to leave me. It took the break up for me to want to get into gear, and now she doesn't want me back. Guess it's my fault. I'm a very depressed person. I need a strong person in my life to get me going. And while the ex is a strong, supportive person. She was also set in her ways. As cliche as it sounds I would have taken a bullet for her. Her life is so much more meaningful than mine. But in no way would I expect, nor think she'd do that for me. And I know the woman that I will marry will do that. I need that support. I need someone to accept me for who I am. Someone that will force me into sobriety. The reason I always left when we fought, wasn't to break up, it was to get away. Get away from the anger. It was always me feeling inferior. Always less of a person because of my battle with alcohol. She acted like she wanted me to quit but offered mimosa's and champagne brunches, come on. She was always first, always the better person. I know we weren't right, but I will always wonder if we could have been if I got sober. I offered to try it for a month. It would be great to know for sure, plus it would help me get clean for a month. But she shot this down. You "care," really about who you? Ok then. Enjoy the "perfect" man. I reached for help with the only person I know could help, and I was shot down. So it's just me now. Sunday was the Store. I don't recall exactly how things went, but I think I got a pretty decent spot. Can't remember anything good or bad so that's a win at least. Monday was back at the Store for the open mic. I went up somewhat early and worked on some jokes. It was fun as always, and some lady comic said I was very smart and funny. That was nice. Wednesday was back at Winston's. There was a good amount of people there when I arrived. They were there because the bar is celebrating it's 25 year anniversary and they had $1 beers before 6. Most of the people trickled out by the time the contest started. Which only 5 of the contestants showed up. Two at least told me, one just no showed. I advanced everyone. Thursday was back at the Store. I followed a comic and played on his joke. That went very well. Even got an applause break. That was cool. I couldn't reach that climax after that, but it was a fun set regardless. Friday was the finals. I saw the ex during the day, which led to absolute crushing my soul. I felt then and still do like a zombie. I wake up every morning at 6 am and stare into the darkness that is my life. I went there with the impression there was still a chance, at least a strong friendship. Pled my case how weak I was and how much I needed her, to which she reacted by telling me about the "perfect" man, who would be taking her out later that night. I cried to her face to which she stared. People are not who they want you to believe. Love doesn't leave that way for good people. True love lasts forever. But maybe that's just for good people. Maybe I'm not deserving of second chances, of ever lasting love. So I went to Winston's dead inside and hosted to the best of my ability. The show was packed, the winner was well deserving, and I made some money. I got some food, met a friend for a drink, and went to sleep. I battled my brain who wanted to get a bottle of wine, but I didn't. I went to sleep. Is it a step in the right direction, maybe? Still woke up and texted the ex. Only to get a response hours later that it's my responsibility to clean up my act. Man up, and move on. Thanks "caring" person. Is that really whats best for us, ok then. Saturday I zombied all day and went into work. Luckily I didn't have to open either show. The line up was whatever. The first girl was just there. She's cute, but as far as comedy, come on, pathetic. The second guy does a lot of impressions. He's talented for sure, but has done the same exact jokes every time I've seen him. Which is slightly weird for the younger comics, but it works for him very well. Plus he mixes the order and sells them very well. The headliner was a party style comic. He was reading off his phone a bunch, to which one girl yelled, "I like comedy that flows, not someone reading off their phone." They came with a group of 10 and were somewhat a pain all night. They barely laughed so not sure why they chose to attend a comedy show. He was very nice, but I heard when he got in his car that this was the worst audience that he can remember.