Crushed beyond comedy

I have never felt so depressed and lost. The ex got into this, somehow. And took my writings in the total wrong way. She doesn't understand the pain I'm in and what I'm doing to cope. She has this assumption that I was hanging out with the old friend as a possible love interest and that is not the case. I hung out with her, as I've stated before because we connect. She accepts me for me, something I went a year and half without feeling. Do I like me, no. But it is nice to hang out with someone without judgements. It was meant to ease me back into reality of being alone again. The ex acted like this crushed her, blah, blah. Only to find out she's been dating one or more men. When she called, even though it wasn't great, I thought there was hope. I even told the new girl, I thought it was best if we took a break as I was trying to make it work with the ex. All for nothing. I lost both my friend and the ex for the future. Even after the first ex left me for someone else, we were at least 3000 miles away and had gone back and forth about breaking up for years. I was still hurt that someone could move on from me so quickly. But this one stings more than I could ever imagine. I can't even talk about it without crying. I'm thinking seriously about just packing it in and quitting it all. I don't think I can live in San Diego or do comedy any longer. I don't think I can move on. I want to get better, put my life back on track, but I know I'll never be able to do it alone. I have come to the realization that the recent ex literally wants to break me down to nothing. She acted like she was jealous and angry when in all reality she's been seeing a new guy. And what stings the most is the fact she felt the need to tell me he was "perfect on paper." Oh and also he has abs. Good for you, get everything you want in one great package. She's also doing this body challenge online. Ok great, you're so happy and better without me, thanks for reminding me how pathetic I am. Everything she wanted, everything I'm not and likely never will be. I'm crying as I write this. I'll never be a man someone will marry, ever. I will always just be second best. A starter boyfriend. Never good enough for someone to be proud of. Never a man a girl would be proud to introduce to her friends and family. I'm just a pathetic clown. Pathetic alcoholic, a friend, a fool. I've never felt so worthless. To be replaced so quickly yet again. I'm not memorable, I'm not worth fighting for, or second chances. Time to pack it in and give up the "dream" that will never happen. I was doing better. Going without speaking to her. I hung out with the new friend to help me move on because that's what's best for her. I know being with her is best for me. I broke down and told her my reasons for being the way I was. I never felt good enough, ever. She reassured me of that daily. And the fact she's with the new "perfect" man so quickly proves my thinking. I can't see things getting better for me anytime soon unless I make a major change. I just can't believe I'm being replaced again by a man they will marry. I know it's for the best, her family, friends, and even she hated me. I should have never even bothered to get better. All it's led to is disappointment. I tried to create the man I know she wanted, I wanted. All the while I was being replaced, and there was no thought of getting back together. A false hope. Which I guess was better than no hope at all. Now every moment is a blur, a wasted fragment of time. At least I had a marriage to look forward. Now there is no sure thing, nothing is consistent other than sadness and alcoholism. Good for her, way to fuck with my brain and heart. I'm proud of you. I survived the first break up, I'll survive this one. But this one is going to take a long time. It's the false caring that has crushed me the most. The attempt to feign interest, all the while with someone else. Allowing me into their home only to tell me about this "perfect" man. I may be a shitty human, but I am the same shitty human to everyone. Both girls portrayed themselves to be these great people. Everyone told me you have to get them back, they're these great people. Do great people really spit on people's hearts? Do they listen and watch someone pour their hearts out to them and stare blankly into their eyes. No emotion, no concern? Is that what great is. I live everyday with people thinking I'm this horrible person. But I have a heart, one that can be used, thrown out, and replaced without concern. What to do with my days other than drink and forget reality. Comedy, what really is the point? I want to start talking more about my life but nothings funny about a miserable alcoholic. It's nothing but couple's that attend the shows. And while I'm working I have to see these happy couples, these "perfect" men. I'm seating people for $8 an hour, to get my 8 minutes. Should I just quit the Store, try to find an investment job, to be that "perfect" man. Someone a girl could be proud of. I can't recall ever being happy in my life. My entire life. Middle school I dealt with obesity. High school I dealt with being really skinny, and being weird around women. College I had the first gf. We had a long distance, often fighting relationship. I loved her so much, but she just never felt the same. Didn't want to say good night. Than I had the 5 or so years of being single. Dated girls here and there but nothing serious. Just couldn't find someone I totally gelled with. Then the most recent ex. It started off like a fairy tale. Then I guess I happened. Vegas happened. We should have just ended things then. No one could accept me for that person. I should have got myself in gear and wanted to change then, but I just didn't feel the support. It wasn't her place but I wanted the ultimatum. I wanted her to leave me. It took the break up for me to want to get into gear, and now she doesn't want me back. Guess it's my fault. I'm a very depressed person. I need a strong person in my life to get me going. And while the ex is a strong, supportive person. She was also set in her ways. As cliche as it sounds I would have taken a bullet for her. Her life is so much more meaningful than mine. But in no way would I expect, nor think she'd do that for me. And I know the woman that I will marry will do that. I need that support. I need someone to accept me for who I am. Someone that will force me into sobriety. The reason I always left when we fought, wasn't to break up, it was to get away. Get away from the anger. It was always me feeling inferior. Always less of a person because of my battle with alcohol. She acted like she wanted me to quit but offered mimosa's and champagne brunches, come on. She was always first, always the better person. I know we weren't right, but I will always wonder if we could have been if I got sober. I offered to try it for a month. It would be great to know for sure, plus it would help me get clean for a month. But she shot this down. You "care," really about who you? Ok then. Enjoy the "perfect" man. I reached for help with the only person I know could help, and I was shot down. So it's just me now. Sunday was the Store. I don't recall exactly how things went, but I think I got a pretty decent spot. Can't remember anything good or bad so that's a win at least. Monday was back at the Store for the open mic. I went up somewhat early and worked on some jokes. It was fun as always, and some lady comic said I was very smart and funny. That was nice. Wednesday was back at Winston's. There was a good amount of people there when I arrived. They were there because the bar is celebrating it's 25 year anniversary and they had $1 beers before 6. Most of the people trickled out by the time the contest started. Which only 5 of the contestants showed up. Two at least told me, one just no showed. I advanced everyone. Thursday was back at the Store. I followed a comic and played on his joke. That went very well. Even got an applause break. That was cool. I couldn't reach that climax after that, but it was a fun set regardless. Friday was the finals. I saw the ex during the day, which led to absolute crushing my soul. I felt then and still do like a zombie. I wake up every morning at 6 am and stare into the darkness that is my life. I went there with the impression there was still a chance, at least a strong friendship. Pled my case how weak I was and how much I needed her, to which she reacted by telling me about the "perfect" man, who would be taking her out later that night. I cried to her face to which she stared. People are not who they want you to believe. Love doesn't leave that way for good people. True love lasts forever. But maybe that's just for good people. Maybe I'm not deserving of second chances, of ever lasting love. So I went to Winston's dead inside and hosted to the best of my ability. The show was packed, the winner was well deserving, and I made some money. I got some food, met a friend for a drink, and went to sleep. I battled my brain who wanted to get a bottle of wine, but I didn't. I went to sleep. Is it a step in the right direction, maybe? Still woke up and texted the ex. Only to get a response hours later that it's my responsibility to clean up my act. Man up, and move on. Thanks "caring" person. Is that really whats best for us, ok then. Saturday I zombied all day and went into work. Luckily I didn't have to open either show. The line up was whatever. The first girl was just there. She's cute, but as far as comedy, come on, pathetic. The second guy does a lot of impressions. He's talented for sure, but has done the same exact jokes every time I've seen him. Which is slightly weird for the younger comics, but it works for him very well. Plus he mixes the order and sells them very well. The headliner was a party style comic. He was reading off his phone a bunch, to which one girl yelled, "I like comedy that flows, not someone reading off their phone." They came with a group of 10 and were somewhat a pain all night. They barely laughed so not sure why they chose to attend a comedy show. He was very nice, but I heard when he got in his car that this was the worst audience that he can remember.