Lotta shows and depression

Well I've been going through a break up with the ex. It was my decision and while I do think it's the right decision for both our futures. It does suck a lot right now. My days are very boring. I just stay in bed, sulk, and try to fight off the urge of drinking. I saw her on Saturday and she looked great. We talked. I thought then it could work, but even then she wasn't asking anything about me, and just ignored what I said. I pretty sure she's also already been intimate with another dude. I think she was just screwing with my head. I had a vivid dream last night that I walked in on her with another guy. I jumped out of bed and contemplating started to drink. I decided to go see her. She let me in, but it was not like Saturday. When I saw her, I smiled, she just said "what?" I asked her about the guy to which she laughed and refused to answer it. We went back and forth for about 15 minutes, and I ended up just leaving. I can soberly not be the first to contact her anymore. She is over me, and I need to strength myself. Drinking is always a problem. I did take a day off and am going to focus on getting away from hard stuff. That is my goal. I head home tomorrow so I want to show the best Jeff I can. As far as shows. Sunday, I believe I followed a dude that does a lot of asian jokes, and I apologized to the person in the front row. The set was then a mixture of crowd work and jokes. I know I did the break up joke and like what has happened before some gal yelled maybe she'll take you back. It was a funish set. Monday was the Store open mic. The crowd was pretty dead as always, and I intended to try a bunch of jokes, but ended up talking with one guy in the front. I had no direction, I opened with how are you, to which a guy that went up earlier, yelled yes from the back. I ended up talking to him for most of my set. I somewhat fell like I'm wasting my and the clubs time when I do that, but no one has told me not to. Tuesday was the Palace competition. I had a somewhat difficult round. 3 people that are funny and have done it longer than me, plus a bringer. It was kinda sketchy as the show was suppose to start at 8, but started at 820. The problem is that most of the bringers people came after 8, and if the show started on time they wouldn't be able to vote. Kinda lame. But I pretty much phoned my set in and didn't advance. I really wasn't that affected. Obviously, I want to advance, but I'm not going to win the thing, and that's all that matters. Next was Til Two. When I arrived there was a good crowd. I've had a tough time the last few times I was there so I was excited. I was the headliner and went up last. I was suppose to do twenty minutes but I saw what I thought was the light but ended up just being a camera flash. I was kinda bummed as I chatted with a comic earlier about doing longer sets. I ended up only doing 13. I did well, but for some reason I just can't catch as break. Wednesday was Winston's then Beachwood. Winston's was pretty dead. Sadly our run of having people come in early has ended. Were talking about moving the contest back to Mondays for the next one but that's a lot of competition. There's already 2 open mics that night on top of the Madhouse contest. I'll get comics, but doubt I can get some that draw, considering the Madhouse contest has such better prizes. Maybe Thursday would be better. I will try to get that date. Beachwood was surprisingly more fun that I had expected. I was on the drink tab so that's always good. Sadly I drank way too much to be driving home. That's really depressing. I am in no way proud of that. My set was fun. Jokes and crowd work were used. I actually accidentally got a table kicked out. That was kind of awkward as the bouncer went over and told them to leave as I'm struggling to make it through. It was kinda funny I went up before a comic I'm far better than but oh well. I get no respect around this town. People said they enjoyed my set. Thursday was the Store and I honestly can't remember how that set went. Friday was Winston's. There was a good amount of people but they did not want to laugh. They were there for the two features. One Mexican and the other PB white boy. The Mexican posted the next day of facebook how the show wasn't what he expected and needed a break. My set was just horrible. I was more sober than I usually am. But I couldn't have felt more miserable on stage. I want to get off right away but I struggled through and that's a skill in itself. A few people did well by just talking to the crowd, but that's all that worked. Saturday was the Store. I got to open the first show to a sold out crowd of 199. It was the most talented line up since I've been working there. All 3 are touring comedians. Steve Simeone, Steve Rannazzisi, and Ari Shaffir. My set went somewhat ok. I expected more from a huge crowd. Some lady said she enjoyed my set. I don't think the guys did as well as I thought they would. If a crowd of 200 can be tough, they were. I closed the show out well which is something I've been working on. Sunday I did a country club in Carlsbad. I made a little money and got some food. I was offered free drinks but the last time I saw the guy I got so wasted I passed out and pissed on his futon. His wife brought it up the first thing. It was really embarrassing and I didn't feel comfortable drinking out front of them. I sat outside and nearly was in tears thinking about my struggle with alcohol. It also brought me back to the show I did at his house was the first time Lindsey and I broke up. Sunday I thought we had a chance to rekindle it, but it's just not meant to be. My set was ok. Started off well, but kind of lost them as I went on. They were a bunch of rich white people. I'm not really great in that environment. I was struggling to think what joke I wanted to do next. Monday was back to the Store open mic. That day I wrote a bunch "do you ever masturbate" insert random show or movie. Some did well, some not so much. After that I tried to remember the redneck and crackas jokes but couldn't for the life of me. I had fun with the set, and think I can filter in those masturbate jokes into another set. Tuesday was Lestat's. I thought I'd get 15 minutes, then I saw I was the feature and thought maybe I'd get 20-30. I text the dude and he says 10-12. Ok then. I don't really mind but goes back to getting some respect. The headliner was running late so I got to do 15 minutes. I was thinking after what jokes I would have went into next. I think at my Comedy Store show I am going to do 25 minutes. It would be a good challenge and I think I can. My set started off strong and trailed off a little bit as I continued. I wasn't happy with the ending but oh well.